The Gender Spectrum

Like many things in life these days, gender isn't as black and white as it once seemed. For many people gender can be a very fluid thing, and can be seen as a spectrum in which some don't fall entirely at one end or the other, or can move freely throughout. The term "genderqueer" is most commonly used for those who don't identify fully as male or female (I considered myself genderqueer at one stage). This can mean any number of things, switching genders on different days, identifying as both genders at once, neither gender, or having traits seen as masculine or feminine but not being strictly male or female.

There are so many possibilities when it comes to gender that it's impossible to come up with terms for all of them. The best thing to do is just to think of gender as fluid and try not impose labels on anyone who doesn't want them. If you're worried about pronouns and names, just ask in private or use gender neutral terms.

Once again, any further input is welcome :)

Going Stealth

A situation sometimes known as "going stealth" is where a Trans person doesn't wish for their past (as the opposite sex) or recent life (as a Trans person) to be known at all. This means they no longer want to be known as anything other than the gender they identify as. Obviously to some this is subject to the amount the person passes (looks/acts like their preferred gender) but it is still entirely up to them whether they would like to go stealth or not.

As a friend or relative of anyone in this situation it is your duty to never reveal anything they don't want to anybody else. If you're introducing them to friends, or at a party, never bring up their past as the opposite sex, and make no mention of them being Trans. You have to respect their wishes as you would anybody else who entrusted you with a secret, as it can be life shattering to some people to be "outed".

Contrary to what movies and tv shows would have you believe, Trans people do not go stealth in order to trick Cis men/women into having sex with them, or any other kind of nefarious or deviant crap. They do it because they simply wish to be seen by everyone else as the gender that they see themselves as. All you have to do is respect that and treat them as you would anyone else.

As I'm not "going stealth" myself I obviously don't know everything about the situation these people find themselves in. If there is anything that anyone would like to add, go right ahead. The more info on the subject the better.

Trans issues, myths facts and more

Starting today I will occasionally be posting about Trans issues, myths, facts etc to give a better insight into the Trans community. I am not making the assumption that any of you know nothing about being Trans or trying to force any kind of agenda on you. This is more for people who would like to know more but don't know how to (or are a little scared to) ask me about such things. There will be some posts about misconceptions that anger me, but for the most part I hope to just shed some light on the facts, or issues that affect the community.

Keep in mind I'm not above making mistakes and getting things wrong myself, as I'm still fairly new to the whole Trans thing myself. For starters some people will get very offended if you don't use the most up-to-date correct terms that exists, I'm not one of those people. For some, the term Trans must have an asterix after it (Trans*) but given there are far bigger issues to worry about, I couldn't really care less about such trivial things. There are also people who will get angry if you don't use the full LGBTQI abbreviation, but I'm happy with other more laid back terms like queer, which tends to cover everything anyway.

To kick things off I will start with a term that we use, but the people it refers to may not know what it means, or that it even exists. The term Cisgendered (or Cis for short) refers to people who identify as the sex they were born with, and until a few years ago I wasn't even aware of it. The purpose of this term is to move away from using "normal"to refer to everyone who isn't Trans, as this would suggest that all Trans people are abnormal or wrong. Using the term Cis is a step forward in accepting transgender people as normal rather than something outside of the general population.

Week 13 - The trip back home

So I travelled down to Tasmania to visit my family over the last week and it was a mixed bag in terms of reception to my transition. My friends welcomed me with open arms, which was fantastic. My family just kind of pretended nothing had changed, and I'll explain why shortly.

Visiting my old friends was certainly the highlight of the trip. While I see them every 6 months or so, it's been about a year this time, with almost all of them having not seen me in person since I became a woman publicly. While they didn't ask many questions, they were happy to listen to some of my stories and knowledge of the community, and learn about pronouns and common misconceptions. I kept all of this to a minimum though and just enjoyed my time with them, playing games and watching videos. It does make me quite sad that my best friends are in Tasmania, and I prefer living in Melbourne where I'm having a tough time maintaining some friendships. Certain people have drifted away and at times I feel like I have no real friends left here, but some trans people are moving in soon and I'm hoping that helps me out a bit.

On the family side of things, I wont say it was bad, it was more the same as when I came out as gay the first time (I later realised I could be bi, and yes I really did think I could only be one or the other at the time). Some of my family members aren't big on emotion and tend to hide it behind acts of silliness or just not addressing issues at all. My mother loves me dearly and accepts me no matter what I do with my life. My father on the other hand, has had a very rough year. I wont go into the details but about a year ago he was involved in a life altering incident that has left him stresses and mentally frail, not quite the same man he used to be.

My transition is something he didn't really need to deal with on top of everything else so it barely even got a mention from him, it was just life as usual. The thing I did notice though is that he treated it more like a phase or a joke than anything else. Asking me questions like "are you really going to go out dressed like that?" and saying "you shouldn't go out at night like that". I understand that he fears for my safety, but just like my mother, he's from another time. I can understand when people need time to adjust and get used to changing how they refer to me, but it's clear that my fathers needs more time than most, and some help getting his life back together. It's not his fault, just unfortunate circumstances.

On top of that, my eldest brother hasn't been told yet, and when he came round to visit my father got angry and made him go away rather than tell him. My cousin on the other hand was very accepting, and I feel this may be because my aunt and uncle have a family of 2 girls and a boy, whereas I come from a family of boys. I feel I may just have to be extra patient with my parents, and tread lightly around my father. They need to understand though, that this isn't something that is going to go away.

In other news life is still going through its ups and downs. Hunting for a job while working is still a pain, my anxiety is as bad as it has ever been, and I'm still having trouble getting out of bed some days. I'm also the most overweight I've been in a long time, mainly due to my back operation last year, but also due to depression and laziness. It's a tough habit to break when everything seems so shit that only food brings you happiness.

The biggest problem right now is the loss of friends at work, some of whom I just can't handle anymore due to their criticism of every aspect of my life. I know I need to grow a thicker skin in general, but I don't need to cop abuse from friends, so it's best I cut these people from my life completely. Thankfully I have some trans friends moving in with me soon which means I'll at least have some friendly faces to come home to. I know I sound pretty bleak sometimes, and my life is hardly as bad as a lot of other people's, but it's still not as manageable as I'd like. Something has to change, and soon, or I'm going to find myself sleeping the rest of my life away just to avoid the bad things.

Week 10

Apologies for the delay, it's been a month of ups and downs for me. Anxiety is really kicking me hard lately and it's the usual crap. I feel good some days, and like a guy in bad drag on others. I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends, rarely seeing or speaking to anyone. The days I spend at home seem to be the worst, copping remarks from my flatmate like "you don't look like a woman today" because I didn't feel like putting on makeup. The longer I go without hormones the more I hate how slow my progress is. Every little problem in my life seems magnified 100 times, and they all seem to pile up at once. Today was the worst day in a long time as I spent 2 hours of work time in the toilet throwing up after a bad weekend, not a good way to start the week.

Luckily I'm taking a trip to Tasmania next week to visit my family and some old friends, I'm hoping this provides me with a much needed bright spot in my life. That's not to say there aren't any, my time spent with the group Y-Gender is always fun, and there are some new members who seem really nice and friendly. It's just that I seem to be losing old friends at the expense of making new ones, people told me it would happen but it still hurts. I've also been told about some stores like City Chic which cater to larger women, so I hope to go on a shopping trip there soon to find some nicer clothes for myself. I still can't wear the $200 pair of Doc Martens I bought because they kill my feet, I need to wait for them to heal before I can try again.

I just have those days a little too often, where I hate how difficult my life has become, with being trans and bi on top of all my medical conditions, I feel like I'm just making life hard for myself and I wish I could be normal for just one day. I know the term normal is relative, and I'm happy being trans most days, but my anxiety is getting worse and some days it just gets to be too much. I wish the I could be my abnormal self and people wouldn't give a crap, but that's not how the world is.

Week 6

It looks like it's going to be a very long year for me. I was denied HRT by my GP and will now have to see a specialist before I can get started. The problem is there a big waiting list for this specialist, so it could be 4 months or more before I even know if I can go on HRT or not. Obviously this isn't the answer I was hoping for, every day that passes I hate how I look more and more, but I still refuse to obtain the medication online or through any other dodgy method.

On a happier note, I had my first "girls night" with a few friends, we practiced make-up and hair, tried some different styles, it was great! I'm still having trouble with hair and make-up but it's good to know what does, and doesn't work.

I've experienced some rather strange reactions from people on the street, such as a homeless man yelling "sir, maam, sir, maam, sir, sir, maam, sir, maam!" I turned to see what he wanted, he just mumbled and walked off. Also getting indecipherable gibberish yelled at me by truck drivers, so far I haven't been able to hear any of them properly. So this is what it's like being a woman, or just trans. It's kind of entertaining to see people needing to be so vocal when they see something that confuses them.

Not much else to report sadly, life hasn't changed that much in the last few weeks. Still upset when I look in the mirror, but happy that I get to come to work in the clothes I want and not have anyone make fun of me.

Week 4

I'll be honest, it hasn't been a great week for Robbi. The usual stuff with mates has been fun, had some guys round for video games on the weekend, planning on catching up with some mates from Tassie, stuff like that. As a woman though, the initial thrill of finally being able to dress how I feel is being overshadowed by my inability to present fully as a woman. I'm still very lazy, most mornings I don't even have time to shave, let alone to make-up, and have to do it all at work. I don't wear a lot of makeup and it makes my stubble and dark eye sockets very obvious, not to mention the fact I still can't decide on a hair style so it's just a frizzy mess. I know these are all things that I can fix myself, and will have to learn over time, I can't expect everything to change within the first month.

The biggest challenge I'm facing right now is that my voice, and manner of speaking, is still very masculine. I never considered myself masculine in the slightest, but according to most people I sound like a huge bogan. Changing how I act and talk is something I don't really want to do, but the fact is I swear a lot, I make vulgar comments, and around men I still speak very much like one of the guys. Again, I shouldn't expect such things to change in the course of a month, but it does bother me that one of the biggest steps in my transition involves me changing something about myself I don't really want to change.

I know there are videos on voice changing, as well as speech therapists and courses you can attend, but should I wait until after HRT to try this? I've been thinking that with everything at the moment, facial hair removal, body hair removal, hair styling, is it worth doing any of these things before HRT? I'm still so new to this, and I don't really have any close Trans friends I can talk to about such things on a daily basis ( always feel like I'm bothering people).

One last thing that I'm worried about is correcting people. I've always been bad at asserting myself because I don't want to make people angry, or hate me. If I have to constantly correct everyone who calls me "he" or "Robert", I feel like I'm going to end up alienating everyone. I know it's only been a month, but every time someone calls me "she" it surprises me, and when I'm called "he" I just accept it, when it should be the other way around. People forgetting the correct name and pronoun is actively affecting how I perceive myself, I guess the 30 years of being male is harder to wipe away than I thought. I always thought once I started presenting as a woman I'd be proud of that fact, and enjoying people calling me a girl, but instead, because it's so rare, it catches me off guard and causes me to think about my presentation again.

Let's end on a good note though, I found out I love bows :)

Week 3

So the visit to the GP produced some results, I wont go into much detail but it's looking good. They just want to do some more research to make sure they can take the best care of me that they can.

Other than that, I'm starting to get the frustration that other trans girls have expressed to me when it comes to waiting on HRT. The more I see my manly features in the mirror, the more I wish that I'd started earlier. There's no point dwelling on the past though, and I'm more excited than ever that I'll be able to get started soon. My chest hair can't bugger off soon enough.

Cis people may think it's easy enough to pass as a woman, just shave everything and slap on enough make-up to cover it all up, but while that may work for a single youtube video, doing it every day before work is something else entirely. Having moved house recently, my trip to work is now longer, which means less time to get ready in the morning. I'm lucky if I squeeze in a shave, let alone make up. Also, unless you use a razor, chest hair is VERY visible as little black dots through the skin. On top of that, shaving your chest every other day leaves nasty rashes and little sores, so it's not ideal. I'm going to wait until I start HRT and then hit the waxing salon, followed shortly after by a visit to a laser hair removal specialist.

I can't wait for girls night at the end of the month, we've set a date and got a group together to give me a makeover. Each girl is going to try and give me a different look and see which one I settle on. I've already got a bit of a thing for the goth look, as I love wearing black, and lots of colours go well with it. Especially red, purple, and pink. It also means I could just wear big mens boots, and goth shoes tend to look the same on both genders. For now, I've just been buying simple t-shirts and other tops, until I find a look I'm comfy with. It was getting to a point where I ran out of womens clothes before the work week ended and wearing mens shirts isn't doing me any favours.

On the mental side of things, I'm still having some trouble accepting myself, even referring to myself as a he at times. When people call me "she" I still feel a bit weird about it, but I guess this is more just due to being a boy for 30 years and a girl for 3 weeks. As much as I want to accept myself as a woman, I've got 30 years of habits to erase, here's hoping the HRT helps with that. I also really need to lose weight before I start, as a side effect is weight gain (or women just gain weight easier than men).

On a good note, I spent friday night with a few girls from work and had a blast talking to them about girly things. Maybe it's because I spend so much time with men, but I have trouble naturally feeling like a woman around them, or with mixed groups. Once in a group of only women though, I feel right at home. It's time to broaden my friendship circle and start hanging out with the girls, in same ways they're much more fun than men, especially when drinking (I didn't touch a drop, 6 months sober). Don't worry guys, I haven't forgotten you, but you've had 30 years of Robert, time to share.

PS - If I haven't mentioned it before, the term Cis means someone who identifies with their birth assigned gender, or "normal" for most people.

Week 2

Apologies for the lack of updates over the past week. It was an insanely busy few days as I moved house very suddenly and am now without the Internet at home until later this week.

For the most part it has been an uneventful week but after the initial proud feeling of finally transitioning in public, my subconscious has reverted back to its old ways of picking on every flaw I have. It doesn't help that some people have been pointing out obvious problems with my presentation as a woman, such as the way i still speak like a man (or more specifically a bogan). I'm currently living with an old high school friend and we've always had a very blokey friendship based on offensive humour and loud, angry music, so it's very hard for me to naturally act like a woman when it's so easy to fall into old habits. I don't want to pretend I'm someone else and stop acting like I always have, but even so, I'm noticing how differently I act around him compared to how I am around other women.

There's also the same old mirror problem, I see myself and I really don't like how I look. I'm stuck in a sort of limbo where I don't want to be a man but I don't feel like a woman either. Some trans friends have told me that this is how they felt as well, which is nice to know. For a while I was worried that it was my mind suddenly saying "Hey, now that you've become a woman in public, I'm going to make you think it was a mistake and you've been a guy all along". I'm still looking into hormones, and hopefully they will alleviate many of my worries. They will fix the things I hate about myself, body hair, body shape, receding hairline, etc.

Due to my inability to make up my mind about anything, no matter how big or small, I don't think I'll ever be 100% either way until i've at least tried hormones and seen if they help. As it stands right now, I'm in a shitty place where I don't feel strongly one way or the other, but I know something has to push me in one direction. Given that I was never really happy as a guy, I think I know which direction that is.

Week1

So my first full week of being a woman is over. I've learnt a hell of a lot in such a short span of time but I still feel like I'm only just scratching the surface. I've picked up some clothes, jewellery and a handbag, and gotten my eyebrows done, but there's still so much more I have to do about my wardrobe, it's a bit daunting. The biggest thing though is the talk of hormones with some friends of mine. I met them for coffee yesterday and had a good talk about the different types of drugs to take, how to take them, and what the effects (and side-effects) will be. I'll be seeing the doctor soon to talk about them but in the mean time I aim to learn as much as possible, to make an informed decision, before I get started. For the sake of not sounding like an idiot, I wont mention the specifics just yet until i get a better grasp on things.

Suffice to say, it really does sound like most of things that cause me anxiety in my day to day life will be fixed, and my overall mood should improve. If you know me at all, you know I'm a very pessimistic person, always looking for problems and complaining about the shape of the world. Men do this, mainly because men don't like to be seen as weak and girly and talk to eachother about their problems. Okay some of my friends help, but overall I think the female mind is more willing to offer help in times of crisis and band together when things go wrong. I have absolutely no idea what will happen to my mental state but at this point anything is an improvement over the crippling anxiety I face when I get out of bed each and every day.

At this point in time, besides the visit to the doctor, I'm aiming on some more shopping trips (new glasses and shoes are first up) and my friend has offered to have a girls night at her house and show me some clothes and makeup that I can try. I'm already excited about my first real girls night and I can't wait to get all done up and try on some clothes without having to worry about the general public watching me. I'm also making some new friends at work who have trans people in their lives, and this is another great bit of help as my network grows ever larger, with people offering support and help from everywhere.

Finally I will say, to my closest friends, I'm sorry if I'm a bit hard on you about slipping up with pronouns. I'm still annoyed at the general public calling me "sir" and "mister" and it really grinds me down sometimes. I understand I've only been out for a week and it will take some time to get used to the change. Thankyou for being there for me and understanding my frustration, I wouldn't be able to do this without you all.

Day 7

Not much to report today, just had a lung checkup at hospital because of the pneumonia I caught last year after my back surgery. Everything is good, my lungs are back to normal, all the fluid is gone. Most importantly though, is the fact that this was my first hospital visit as a woman! That means having to take my bra off for an xray (which I have mastered the art of being able to take off under my shirt very quickly), and being asked by a doctor what my preferred name is. Sadly all my documents still say Robert as I haven't worked out what to do with my name yet. I'm 99% sure I like the name Robbi, but I need to be 100% sure before I have it changed.

I'm still a bit annoyed that strangers are calling me "mate" and "buddy" but that's just another sign that I need to work on my appearance more. I just thought the boobs and skirt were a dead give away, but maybe we live in such a progressive society that mean can still wear bras and dresses and think of themselves as men. Maybe...

The biggest news to report is that, during my monthly meetup with some trans girls for dinner, there was a lengthy discussion on the topic of hormones. I'm still undecided on the issue but several people put forth some damn good arguments towards why I should consider them, and get onto it soon. It seems that if you can't go through your GP and begin HRT immediately, there's something like a 6 month wait with a specialist, and that's just too long. Basically the benefits would be softer skin, finer facial and body hair (making it easier to remove), my head hair would stop receding and may even grow back, and my body fat would change to resemble the female form better. All in all it does sound like it would address many of my insecurities about passing as a woman, and my fears that my hair may recede too far, or my stubble will always be visible.

The best reason I was given to consider hormones was that there was a good 6 month period where I could try it out and come off them if I wasn't happy, with few (if any) permanent changes. Obviously I have to do some more research, but it's given me much to think about.

Thanks to everyone who has emailed me with kind words and suggestions, and I promise I will take into account everything you offer, but I am swamped with life crap at the moment and trying to do the best I can with what little spare time and mental space I have.

Hugs! Robbi.

Day 6

Not much to report, weekend was pretty dull, and today was like just another day at work. Which might actually be a good thing, unlike last week, I wasn't as aware of the fact that I was dressed differently for most of the day. I felt a bit more comfy in my skin, part of this may be due to wearing a little less makeup and wearing a means (albeit girly coloured) t-shirt with my hair tied back in a ponytail. This half step might be what I needed to ease myself in a bit better and find that comfortable spot before slowly finding a look that is right for me.

I did a bit of quick shopping with a gal pal after work, not enough time to find anything but I started to get an idea of some accessories to kick off with. An over the body handbag works best for me as I have back problems and shouldn't carry anything on just one shoulder, also something small and simple. For the purse though I'll go with something with character, maybe with some of my favourite cartoon characters on it, it can't all be flowers and things. On the other hand, I've always loved birds and would love to base my style around that, I already have an owl necklace, ring and earrings. Biggest problem today was being unable to find tops my size, the sizes on some things confound me, such as why a size 18 t-shirt is too big, but a size 18 singlet is like a freaking corset.

I did find some glasses frames I liked. I figure since I wont be wearing much makeup, a good pair of feminine glasses would frame my eyes nicely and add some extra decoration to my face. I've never wanted contacts or laser eye surgery, I really like the way glasses look on me. It's no different than jewellery, except it actually serves a purpose.

Finally I made the trek into not only the women's toilets at work, but also downstairs at the food court. I got some looks, but nothing dirty or aggressive. In fact someone at work I've never met was helping me out with my earrings in the women's toilets so all-in-all it was quit a pleasant experience. It's a hell of a lot nicer in there too.

Later in the week, when the shops are open later, I will attempt to get started on my accessories, handbags and purses and such. I've also booked in an appointment to have my eyebrows shaped. I like them quite thick as they are, but getting rid of the some of the man fuzz towards the outer edges would surely be an improvement. As long as they don't give me those evil thin arched brows that make ever cis women look like transvestites.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog so far. It's lovely to know so many of you care, and I urge you all to do some light reading online about some of the common trans terms and frequently asked questions. A friend also sent me a tv program called My Transsexual Summer, which is a great watch as it covers both trans men and women, from early stages to late, which is a great all round look at what goes on behind the curtain.

Day 3

 
Waking up this morning was much easier than the previous 2 days. I got up and had enough time to shave, put some make up on, choose an outfit (I bought a new shirt and some jewelery from Jay Jays yesterday) before boarding the train. I should mention that 2 great things happened yesterday, I was allowed to use the women's change rooms at Target, and a guy offered me his seat on a train. They're just little things (I declined the seat because I'm used to letting other people sit while I stand) but they have a really big impact on me and make me feel so much better, if only for a little while.

On the clothing front, I've decided that, just because I'm presenting as a woman, it doesn't mean I have to conform to the cliched standards of women's fashion. Sure I love skirts, but I'd rather wear a my little pony tshirt than a floral print dress or something covered in ruffles and stuff. I'm still a nerd, why not dress like one. To dress like every other woman out there just to fit in would be denying who I really am, and that's the opposite of what I'm trying to achieve.

Nerves are still bad at work but after a lie down at midday to calm myself, the rest of the day flows smoothly. My only major problem today is the realisation that the toilet issue is impacting me more than I thought. I told myself I wasn't going to let the toilet issue at work bother me. I don't want to ruffle any feathers right now so I agreed to just use the disabled toilet. The problem is, the disabled toilet has suddenly become very popular, so when its not constantly occupied, its in a disgusting state, with people leaving garbage and wet paper towel all over the floor.

So I have to use the men's toilets, and it's having a worse impact on me than I thought it would. Walking past men at the sinks and urinals to get to a cubicle, which always ends up getting my dress wet with all the piss on the floor, is quite disheartening. It just ruins the effort I'm putting into trying to be comfortable as a woman, because its the biggest reminder that society just isn't built for people who don't fit the norm. My heart sinks when I catch a guy looking at me as I enter, a reminder that I'm just a guy in a dress.

Outside of this though, everyone at work has been so supportive, its made the start of my journey so much easier. I'm really glad I work with such great people and it sucks that sensis is tearing us apart soon. Anyway, just a small inconvenience, but the toilet issue is still something I hadn't given much thought, but is having a big impact on me mentally.

I've also noticed other little things impacting me that I have no control over, mainly when my presentation as a woman is broken up by references to me still legally being male. Such as having to use the name Robert when calling about things like houses inspections, bills, and doctors appointments. Some people have slipped and called me Rob, or he, and while I don't hold it against them, I never thought it would affect me as much as it does.

Another constant discussing with workmates and friends is the whole surgery/hormones thing. I still have no desire to go through either, but I guess I can't blame people for asking since it is what trans women usually go through. I still maintain that I am bigender (genderqueer) and that my gender is a bit more fluid, moving between male and female and never really settling in one place. Going through surgery would just cement my place at one end of the spectrum and I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe with time I'll make up my mind, but for now it's not a huge issue.

Tomorrow will be unusual for me in that I have to go back to presenting as male, which I really didn't want to do this quickly. However I am applying for houses in the hopes of getting out of this shithole, and as much as it pains me to admit, I'd have a better chance presenting as my birth gender, since all of my id has Robert Machin on it. Hopefully this is the only time I will have to compromise, although I will be job hunting soon and I have no idea how much my presenting as a woman will impact future employment. From what I've heard, it's damn hard out there to find places that accept you for who you are, and that not only goes for transgender people but pretty much everyone who dares to step outside the norm and embrace an alternative lifestyle.

Only time will tell if my life improves, or I become another sad transgender news story.

Day 1 and 2

Day 1

I'd like to begin with a quick bit of info on the name. Obviously I chose Robbi as it's close to my male name Robert, and this makes it easier for people to learn, and should I fluctuate between male and female, it works in both situations. I originally chose it as a placeholder until I found a better name but I've grown to love it and will probably stick with it. I haven't given much thought to changing it legally, but I guess I should consider this.

Last week I informed my boss at work that I would be transitioning publicly and that I would begin coming to work as a woman on Tuesday. This was changed to Wednesday to ensure that everyone in my team, and the rest of the department were informed before I made the change, to ensure no-one was shocked or thought it might be a joke. The response was overwhelmingly positive and I was actually shocked by the responses I got from some people. People I expected to have the most negative reaction actually ended up being the most supportive and either sent me emails or personally came to my desk for a chat.

I encouraged questions early on as, to my knowledge, there are no other trans people in my department and that this would be something new to most people. So far there have been no negative reactions from my work mates, and I am so thankful I work with such a great group of people.

First thing in the morning of my first day as Robbi, my anxiety kicks in and causes my back (which is still recovering from surgery last year) to seize up and prevent me from getting out of bed. My boss calls with encouraging words, but for people who don't suffer from anxiety, it must be difficult to understand just how crippling it is when every muscle in your body tenses up to the point of making if painful to even move. I eventually managed to crawl out of bed and slap some simple make up on, a skirt, t-shirt and sandals, then make my way to the train. It was a nerve wracking trip the whole way to work as I wondered who was staring at me, what negative things they were going to say, but no-one brought it up. I guess the people of Melbourne are so used to alternative lifestyles that nothing really fazes them.

Once at work everyone was really supportive and had nice things to say. Aside from not getting much work done due to nerves, it was no different than any other day. At this point I'm kind of hoping someone will say something horrible just to get it out of the way. When you really expect something to happen and it doesn't, you just think it'll happen later, and waiting for it is worse. It was nice to be able to look at myself in the mirror at work and see the real me, even though I still focus on all the things wrong with my look like stubble on my chin and wonky fake boobs.

Later I headed out to Y-Gender intro night, which is where people beginning their transition get together and just shoot the shit over food and drinks in the city. I was much more comfortable by this point and the rest of the night ran pretty smoothly. My only concern was catching a train after dark but luckily another girl from the group came with me, which really calmed my nerves.

Day 2 began a little different, as I jumped out of bed, realising I was running late again, and not having time for a shave and makeup. I threw on a bra, skirt and t-shirt, and the shoes a friend had given me a few months back. Since I'm a size 13.5 in women's shoes, it's very difficult to find shoes my size, and while these shoes did fit, they were horribly painful and, throughout the course of the day, caused me a huge amount of grief. I took them off whenever I was sitting down to let my feet recover. Once I was at work, I ran to the bathroom and did my shaving and makeup there, hoping nobody saw me come in.

It is at this point that I really start to worry about the rate at which my facial hair grows, giving me a noticeable 5-o'clock shadow before I even leave work in the afternoon, and by the next morning my face is grey with stubble. I will begin electrolysis again soon, but for now I have many things to tackle. Such as a new wardrobe, new glasses, new jewellery, a haircut, shaving/waxing my body hair etc. All in good time though, wardrobe seems like the best place to start. I got some good advice on where to begin as well, with plain skirts and shirts, not focusing on anything to complex and fashionable until I start to work out my new look.

This day runs similarly to the first, my body is still tense, even though I know nothing is wrong. I guess I'm still just getting used to the fact that I'm going outside the norm and a big part of me still cares what everyone thinks about me. How well do I pass, is my clothing right, how visible is my facial hair, is my makeup wrong? For the record though, I'm keeping my makeup minimal, with mascara and lipstick, no foundation or blush. I kinda like my freckles and would rather keep a natural look than get stuck plastering makeup on every day to keep up an illusion.

Walking home in my painful shoes isn't as bad this time, even when I run into a neighbour who has never seen me as a woman before, he just smiled and said hello like it wasn't even a shock. The shoes will have to go, since I have back problems I should really focus on comfort rather than style. I have sandals for now but once I find a shoe store to cater to my larger feet, I'll pick up something new. Going to sleep is still hard, my anxiety keeps me awake and makes my back hurt worse than before, but I know this will go away in time.

At least, I hope it does.

A little background info...

 

Hello world, this is Robbi Machin coming to you live from Melbourne, Australia, where I will be chronicling my journey as I enter public life as a woman. Starting a few days ago I made the transition from male to female out in the open and I finally feel like I'm making real progress. After hiding my true self for roughly half my life, I came out to a few close friends about a year ago that I felt like a woman trapped in a mans body and didn't want to hide it anymore. The overwhelming support I gained from everyone I told really helped me overcome my biggest fear, the general public, and allowed me to finally stop hiding my true self from the world and embrace my inner beauty.

For those who don't know me, a little background info is required. I'm a 30 year old graphic designer who, up until this point, has been presenting as my birth sex, male. After moving to Melbourne a few years ago and finding out just how diverse this place is, it seemed like the kind of city where I might be able to be myself. Sadly it was alcohol that first brought this out, when I drunkenly (and very emotionally) told my friends that I had these feelings about dressing as a woman for years. Once it was out, I decided to seek out councilling not only for this, but my general anxiety and stress, and also see an image consultant to help me out with learning fashion and make up.

Some doctors have been better than others, while some have been downright useless, but overall I've managed to create a good support network from specialists and other trans girls. I've joined local trans groups, made some great friends through them, and learned a lot about how to trust that everything is going to be okay. Due to time and budget constraints, some help that I was receiving has been put on hold, I'm currently not undergoing any kind of hair removal, or seeing any doctors, instead trusting friends and colleagues to help me through the mental stuff.

The hardest part about this whole thing is that, like my sexuality, I'm still caught somewhere in the middle. I'm not quite trans, falling more into the genderqueer camp, which basically means that to me, gender is fluid. It can move back and forth between being and a man, a woman, or a bit of both depending on the day. This makes some things a little hard to settle on, such as HRT and hair removal. I'm currently not undergoing either of those things and have no plans at all to have sexual reassignment surgery any time soon. Where I'm at at the moment is testing the waters, seeing how I feel as a woman in public and making 100% sure that any kind of life changing drugs or surgery would be the right move.

I will try to update daily at first, and weekly later on, about my experiences presenting as a woman in public. These will not only include any mental stuff I'll be going through, but practical issues as well, for I'm really learning now, what every little girl learned at a young age and fast tracking years of fashion and make up experimentation. I wont be holding back on any issues I'm going through, but I'd like everyone to understand I don't mean to attack anyone who is making me feel bad, rather I just need to speak aloud when I'm trying to figure my way around issues that affect me.

So I'd like to wave a fond farewell to Robert, and welcome Robbi!