Week 10

Apologies for the delay, it's been a month of ups and downs for me. Anxiety is really kicking me hard lately and it's the usual crap. I feel good some days, and like a guy in bad drag on others. I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends, rarely seeing or speaking to anyone. The days I spend at home seem to be the worst, copping remarks from my flatmate like "you don't look like a woman today" because I didn't feel like putting on makeup. The longer I go without hormones the more I hate how slow my progress is. Every little problem in my life seems magnified 100 times, and they all seem to pile up at once. Today was the worst day in a long time as I spent 2 hours of work time in the toilet throwing up after a bad weekend, not a good way to start the week.

Luckily I'm taking a trip to Tasmania next week to visit my family and some old friends, I'm hoping this provides me with a much needed bright spot in my life. That's not to say there aren't any, my time spent with the group Y-Gender is always fun, and there are some new members who seem really nice and friendly. It's just that I seem to be losing old friends at the expense of making new ones, people told me it would happen but it still hurts. I've also been told about some stores like City Chic which cater to larger women, so I hope to go on a shopping trip there soon to find some nicer clothes for myself. I still can't wear the $200 pair of Doc Martens I bought because they kill my feet, I need to wait for them to heal before I can try again.

I just have those days a little too often, where I hate how difficult my life has become, with being trans and bi on top of all my medical conditions, I feel like I'm just making life hard for myself and I wish I could be normal for just one day. I know the term normal is relative, and I'm happy being trans most days, but my anxiety is getting worse and some days it just gets to be too much. I wish the I could be my abnormal self and people wouldn't give a crap, but that's not how the world is.