Week 4

I'll be honest, it hasn't been a great week for Robbi. The usual stuff with mates has been fun, had some guys round for video games on the weekend, planning on catching up with some mates from Tassie, stuff like that. As a woman though, the initial thrill of finally being able to dress how I feel is being overshadowed by my inability to present fully as a woman. I'm still very lazy, most mornings I don't even have time to shave, let alone to make-up, and have to do it all at work. I don't wear a lot of makeup and it makes my stubble and dark eye sockets very obvious, not to mention the fact I still can't decide on a hair style so it's just a frizzy mess. I know these are all things that I can fix myself, and will have to learn over time, I can't expect everything to change within the first month.

The biggest challenge I'm facing right now is that my voice, and manner of speaking, is still very masculine. I never considered myself masculine in the slightest, but according to most people I sound like a huge bogan. Changing how I act and talk is something I don't really want to do, but the fact is I swear a lot, I make vulgar comments, and around men I still speak very much like one of the guys. Again, I shouldn't expect such things to change in the course of a month, but it does bother me that one of the biggest steps in my transition involves me changing something about myself I don't really want to change.

I know there are videos on voice changing, as well as speech therapists and courses you can attend, but should I wait until after HRT to try this? I've been thinking that with everything at the moment, facial hair removal, body hair removal, hair styling, is it worth doing any of these things before HRT? I'm still so new to this, and I don't really have any close Trans friends I can talk to about such things on a daily basis ( always feel like I'm bothering people).

One last thing that I'm worried about is correcting people. I've always been bad at asserting myself because I don't want to make people angry, or hate me. If I have to constantly correct everyone who calls me "he" or "Robert", I feel like I'm going to end up alienating everyone. I know it's only been a month, but every time someone calls me "she" it surprises me, and when I'm called "he" I just accept it, when it should be the other way around. People forgetting the correct name and pronoun is actively affecting how I perceive myself, I guess the 30 years of being male is harder to wipe away than I thought. I always thought once I started presenting as a woman I'd be proud of that fact, and enjoying people calling me a girl, but instead, because it's so rare, it catches me off guard and causes me to think about my presentation again.

Let's end on a good note though, I found out I love bows :)

Week 3

So the visit to the GP produced some results, I wont go into much detail but it's looking good. They just want to do some more research to make sure they can take the best care of me that they can.

Other than that, I'm starting to get the frustration that other trans girls have expressed to me when it comes to waiting on HRT. The more I see my manly features in the mirror, the more I wish that I'd started earlier. There's no point dwelling on the past though, and I'm more excited than ever that I'll be able to get started soon. My chest hair can't bugger off soon enough.

Cis people may think it's easy enough to pass as a woman, just shave everything and slap on enough make-up to cover it all up, but while that may work for a single youtube video, doing it every day before work is something else entirely. Having moved house recently, my trip to work is now longer, which means less time to get ready in the morning. I'm lucky if I squeeze in a shave, let alone make up. Also, unless you use a razor, chest hair is VERY visible as little black dots through the skin. On top of that, shaving your chest every other day leaves nasty rashes and little sores, so it's not ideal. I'm going to wait until I start HRT and then hit the waxing salon, followed shortly after by a visit to a laser hair removal specialist.

I can't wait for girls night at the end of the month, we've set a date and got a group together to give me a makeover. Each girl is going to try and give me a different look and see which one I settle on. I've already got a bit of a thing for the goth look, as I love wearing black, and lots of colours go well with it. Especially red, purple, and pink. It also means I could just wear big mens boots, and goth shoes tend to look the same on both genders. For now, I've just been buying simple t-shirts and other tops, until I find a look I'm comfy with. It was getting to a point where I ran out of womens clothes before the work week ended and wearing mens shirts isn't doing me any favours.

On the mental side of things, I'm still having some trouble accepting myself, even referring to myself as a he at times. When people call me "she" I still feel a bit weird about it, but I guess this is more just due to being a boy for 30 years and a girl for 3 weeks. As much as I want to accept myself as a woman, I've got 30 years of habits to erase, here's hoping the HRT helps with that. I also really need to lose weight before I start, as a side effect is weight gain (or women just gain weight easier than men).

On a good note, I spent friday night with a few girls from work and had a blast talking to them about girly things. Maybe it's because I spend so much time with men, but I have trouble naturally feeling like a woman around them, or with mixed groups. Once in a group of only women though, I feel right at home. It's time to broaden my friendship circle and start hanging out with the girls, in same ways they're much more fun than men, especially when drinking (I didn't touch a drop, 6 months sober). Don't worry guys, I haven't forgotten you, but you've had 30 years of Robert, time to share.

PS - If I haven't mentioned it before, the term Cis means someone who identifies with their birth assigned gender, or "normal" for most people.

Week 2

Apologies for the lack of updates over the past week. It was an insanely busy few days as I moved house very suddenly and am now without the Internet at home until later this week.

For the most part it has been an uneventful week but after the initial proud feeling of finally transitioning in public, my subconscious has reverted back to its old ways of picking on every flaw I have. It doesn't help that some people have been pointing out obvious problems with my presentation as a woman, such as the way i still speak like a man (or more specifically a bogan). I'm currently living with an old high school friend and we've always had a very blokey friendship based on offensive humour and loud, angry music, so it's very hard for me to naturally act like a woman when it's so easy to fall into old habits. I don't want to pretend I'm someone else and stop acting like I always have, but even so, I'm noticing how differently I act around him compared to how I am around other women.

There's also the same old mirror problem, I see myself and I really don't like how I look. I'm stuck in a sort of limbo where I don't want to be a man but I don't feel like a woman either. Some trans friends have told me that this is how they felt as well, which is nice to know. For a while I was worried that it was my mind suddenly saying "Hey, now that you've become a woman in public, I'm going to make you think it was a mistake and you've been a guy all along". I'm still looking into hormones, and hopefully they will alleviate many of my worries. They will fix the things I hate about myself, body hair, body shape, receding hairline, etc.

Due to my inability to make up my mind about anything, no matter how big or small, I don't think I'll ever be 100% either way until i've at least tried hormones and seen if they help. As it stands right now, I'm in a shitty place where I don't feel strongly one way or the other, but I know something has to push me in one direction. Given that I was never really happy as a guy, I think I know which direction that is.