Week 2

Apologies for the lack of updates over the past week. It was an insanely busy few days as I moved house very suddenly and am now without the Internet at home until later this week.

For the most part it has been an uneventful week but after the initial proud feeling of finally transitioning in public, my subconscious has reverted back to its old ways of picking on every flaw I have. It doesn't help that some people have been pointing out obvious problems with my presentation as a woman, such as the way i still speak like a man (or more specifically a bogan). I'm currently living with an old high school friend and we've always had a very blokey friendship based on offensive humour and loud, angry music, so it's very hard for me to naturally act like a woman when it's so easy to fall into old habits. I don't want to pretend I'm someone else and stop acting like I always have, but even so, I'm noticing how differently I act around him compared to how I am around other women.

There's also the same old mirror problem, I see myself and I really don't like how I look. I'm stuck in a sort of limbo where I don't want to be a man but I don't feel like a woman either. Some trans friends have told me that this is how they felt as well, which is nice to know. For a while I was worried that it was my mind suddenly saying "Hey, now that you've become a woman in public, I'm going to make you think it was a mistake and you've been a guy all along". I'm still looking into hormones, and hopefully they will alleviate many of my worries. They will fix the things I hate about myself, body hair, body shape, receding hairline, etc.

Due to my inability to make up my mind about anything, no matter how big or small, I don't think I'll ever be 100% either way until i've at least tried hormones and seen if they help. As it stands right now, I'm in a shitty place where I don't feel strongly one way or the other, but I know something has to push me in one direction. Given that I was never really happy as a guy, I think I know which direction that is.