So I travelled down to Tasmania to visit my family over the last week and it was a mixed bag in terms of reception to my transition. My friends welcomed me with open arms, which was fantastic. My family just kind of pretended nothing had changed, and I'll explain why shortly.
Visiting my old friends was certainly the highlight of the trip. While I see them every 6 months or so, it's been about a year this time, with almost all of them having not seen me in person since I became a woman publicly. While they didn't ask many questions, they were happy to listen to some of my stories and knowledge of the community, and learn about pronouns and common misconceptions. I kept all of this to a minimum though and just enjoyed my time with them, playing games and watching videos. It does make me quite sad that my best friends are in Tasmania, and I prefer living in Melbourne where I'm having a tough time maintaining some friendships. Certain people have drifted away and at times I feel like I have no real friends left here, but some trans people are moving in soon and I'm hoping that helps me out a bit.
On the family side of things, I wont say it was bad, it was more the same as when I came out as gay the first time (I later realised I could be bi, and yes I really did think I could only be one or the other at the time). Some of my family members aren't big on emotion and tend to hide it behind acts of silliness or just not addressing issues at all. My mother loves me dearly and accepts me no matter what I do with my life. My father on the other hand, has had a very rough year. I wont go into the details but about a year ago he was involved in a life altering incident that has left him stresses and mentally frail, not quite the same man he used to be.
My transition is something he didn't really need to deal with on top of everything else so it barely even got a mention from him, it was just life as usual. The thing I did notice though is that he treated it more like a phase or a joke than anything else. Asking me questions like "are you really going to go out dressed like that?" and saying "you shouldn't go out at night like that". I understand that he fears for my safety, but just like my mother, he's from another time. I can understand when people need time to adjust and get used to changing how they refer to me, but it's clear that my fathers needs more time than most, and some help getting his life back together. It's not his fault, just unfortunate circumstances.
On top of that, my eldest brother hasn't been told yet, and when he came round to visit my father got angry and made him go away rather than tell him. My cousin on the other hand was very accepting, and I feel this may be because my aunt and uncle have a family of 2 girls and a boy, whereas I come from a family of boys. I feel I may just have to be extra patient with my parents, and tread lightly around my father. They need to understand though, that this isn't something that is going to go away.
In other news life is still going through its ups and downs. Hunting for a job while working is still a pain, my anxiety is as bad as it has ever been, and I'm still having trouble getting out of bed some days. I'm also the most overweight I've been in a long time, mainly due to my back operation last year, but also due to depression and laziness. It's a tough habit to break when everything seems so shit that only food brings you happiness.
The biggest problem right now is the loss of friends at work, some of whom I just can't handle anymore due to their criticism of every aspect of my life. I know I need to grow a thicker skin in general, but I don't need to cop abuse from friends, so it's best I cut these people from my life completely. Thankfully I have some trans friends moving in with me soon which means I'll at least have some friendly faces to come home to. I know I sound pretty bleak sometimes, and my life is hardly as bad as a lot of other people's, but it's still not as manageable as I'd like. Something has to change, and soon, or I'm going to find myself sleeping the rest of my life away just to avoid the bad things.
