Waking up this morning was much easier than the previous 2 days. I got up and had enough time to shave, put some make up on, choose an outfit (I bought a new shirt and some jewelery from Jay Jays yesterday) before boarding the train. I should mention that 2 great things happened yesterday, I was allowed to use the women's change rooms at Target, and a guy offered me his seat on a train. They're just little things (I declined the seat because I'm used to letting other people sit while I stand) but they have a really big impact on me and make me feel so much better, if only for a little while.
On the clothing front, I've decided that, just because I'm presenting as a woman, it doesn't mean I have to conform to the cliched standards of women's fashion. Sure I love skirts, but I'd rather wear a my little pony tshirt than a floral print dress or something covered in ruffles and stuff. I'm still a nerd, why not dress like one. To dress like every other woman out there just to fit in would be denying who I really am, and that's the opposite of what I'm trying to achieve.
Nerves are still bad at work but after a lie down at midday to calm myself, the rest of the day flows smoothly. My only major problem today is the realisation that the toilet issue is impacting me more than I thought. I told myself I wasn't going to let the toilet issue at work bother me. I don't want to ruffle any feathers right now so I agreed to just use the disabled toilet. The problem is, the disabled toilet has suddenly become very popular, so when its not constantly occupied, its in a disgusting state, with people leaving garbage and wet paper towel all over the floor.
So I have to use the men's toilets, and it's having a worse impact on me than I thought it would. Walking past men at the sinks and urinals to get to a cubicle, which always ends up getting my dress wet with all the piss on the floor, is quite disheartening. It just ruins the effort I'm putting into trying to be comfortable as a woman, because its the biggest reminder that society just isn't built for people who don't fit the norm. My heart sinks when I catch a guy looking at me as I enter, a reminder that I'm just a guy in a dress.
Outside of this though, everyone at work has been so supportive, its made the start of my journey so much easier. I'm really glad I work with such great people and it sucks that sensis is tearing us apart soon. Anyway, just a small inconvenience, but the toilet issue is still something I hadn't given much thought, but is having a big impact on me mentally.
I've also noticed other little things impacting me that I have no control over, mainly when my presentation as a woman is broken up by references to me still legally being male. Such as having to use the name Robert when calling about things like houses inspections, bills, and doctors appointments. Some people have slipped and called me Rob, or he, and while I don't hold it against them, I never thought it would affect me as much as it does.
Another constant discussing with workmates and friends is the whole surgery/hormones thing. I still have no desire to go through either, but I guess I can't blame people for asking since it is what trans women usually go through. I still maintain that I am bigender (genderqueer) and that my gender is a bit more fluid, moving between male and female and never really settling in one place. Going through surgery would just cement my place at one end of the spectrum and I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe with time I'll make up my mind, but for now it's not a huge issue.
Tomorrow will be unusual for me in that I have to go back to presenting as male, which I really didn't want to do this quickly. However I am applying for houses in the hopes of getting out of this shithole, and as much as it pains me to admit, I'd have a better chance presenting as my birth gender, since all of my id has Robert Machin on it. Hopefully this is the only time I will have to compromise, although I will be job hunting soon and I have no idea how much my presenting as a woman will impact future employment. From what I've heard, it's damn hard out there to find places that accept you for who you are, and that not only goes for transgender people but pretty much everyone who dares to step outside the norm and embrace an alternative lifestyle.
Only time will tell if my life improves, or I become another sad transgender news story.
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